To Step Down

Well; these days are not mine. I’ve been feeling down for a little while, missing home, feeling lonely and trying hard to improve my performance at work.

But today there was something good, Dr. S offered to be my educational adviser, that’s brilliant, I like Dr.S, he is so polite and such a decent person.

I’ve booked for a course and exam next month, and started thinking seriously about working hard for the next 3 years to get the Membership of the Royal College of physicians, I’ve been asking all my colleagues about the exams, the books to read and the best time to sit making sure that I manage the time interval between each one properly.

Those exams are costy, hard and require very high level of knowledge; I was telling myself that getting that membership would be the proof that I’m a good doctor.

Well; today just after I finished talking to Nada telling her that I’m thinking about those exams, and as soon as I arrived home, even before taking off my clothes, my bleep went on.

I rang the extension, and started saying “Hello, did you bleep me?”

Someone replied “Yes, it’s Dr. S, are you around?”

“No, I’m at home, do you need anything Dr.S?”

“No, I thought of having a chat with you, but it’s all right leave it for tomorrow”

“Well; Dr.S, I live ten minutes away from the hospital, I’ll come if you’re staying”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to”

“Yes, I’m coming; it’s kind of you giving me your time”

I went to the hospital filled with hopes and ideas, should I ask him about those exams? Does he want to discuss my future career? I think he wouldn’t mind giving me a good reference, maybe he has got some omissions and wants to advice me.

The guy was as polite and kind as usual, took me in a sperate room, asked me to have a seat and started asking me how it’s going on the ward.

I admitted that it’s my first job on the ward, and I’m doing my best to cope.

“Look, I think it was not fair to you putting you in that position, I’m not saying you’re not doing well, but we should not expect you to do as much as the others, you’ve just started, while even the most junior ones have been working for 8 months, I know you’re trying to catch up with them, but it needs time”

That was what he said to me.

Well, Dr. S, I never tried to go beyond my knowledge or experience and I’m always discussing my management plans with my senior colleagues!

“I know you’re doing that, but I’ve got to make it clear to everyone that we’re expecting your performance to be like the most juniors not like the ones in your post level, is that all right.”

I left him after saying thanks, but walked with the bowed neck thinking, I didn’t ask for that post, they asked me to do it, I’ve been doing my best to cope, it’s just that I’m from a place where everything is different.

I’ve got to admit that it’s my own fault, it might be much better if I was a type of person who studies alot, and I was never like that, I always pass my exams with accepted or average scores, I’m more attracted to the clinical side than the theoretical one.

But, now it’s much different, I felt like he was telling me that I’m scientifically empty, like not being competent for the post I’m filling, I honestly don’t know what to do

It's just too hard