Lonely

“Well; you can’t leave it blank, you should put any name here”

This was what the lady in HR asked me when I was filling my job form and realized that I had no one in this country as a next of kin.

I eventually managed to put the name of one of the consultants who doesn’t know where I live!

But, in all my other documents, I’ve got no next of kin.

This is one of the depressive subjects I keep thinking about from time to time.

The first time it was raised while I was chatting with H who replied to me “you’re so depressed”.

In fact; I don’t think I was, it was around the Christmas and I just asked him what would happen to our bodies when we die in this country, “will they just burn us, or they might give them for research”.

I think I’ve got the right to wonder about such thing.

Getting busy working in A&E made me unable to think about anything, my job was exhausting, I was working 13 days every fortnight, didn’t have enough time to cook or to do anything else.

But with moving to another department, I’ve got more free time, more opportunity to sit and walk around, probably; more chance to think.

Here we go; I’m thinking again about the loneliness I’m living.

Just to avoid being arrogant, I do believe that I’m a lucky guy, I’m working in a good place, being paid in a very good rate and able to do things which many people are unable to do.

Yet, this blog is the only way to express whatever I feel as I’ve got no one to talk to.

Being unwell had complicated many things, I was really unwell, lying in bed and unable to move when there was no one around, my mother wasn’t there, neither my sisters nor friends.

At that time; the same question came back, what if something worse happens? Should I ask someone to arrange to bury my body?

I’m not trying to exaggerate thins but I had many patients who had nearly died and no one noticed.

Travelling should have helped; I walked around, on my own, and didn’t talk to anyone for six days apart from asking people how to reach the places I wanted to visit.

Well; this weekend with one day bank holiday, three days no talking, three days of being lonely, three days have passed.

The only hope left is seeing my family, spending few days with them will be so great, no thing is more wonderful than sitting and chatting with my mother, eating her food, and telling her my stories.

I had a hard time asking for my annual leave, and as soon as it was confirmed I booked the earliest flight on the same night not to lose a day travelling.

The last phone chat with my mother “Oh, have you booked?! I’m not pretty sure but, seems they’re going to postponed the exams of your sister, I can’t guarantee being there at that time”

I’m boiling now