Saturday, 1 November 2008


It's becoming really cold nowadays; seems the real winter has started and earlier than what I thought, Manchester is gray all the time, it's rare to see the sun, and it's really depressive weather.
When you live on your own, far away from everyone, in this cold weather, you'll have nothing but thoughts, random thoughts, flashes and images, for no reasons they come.
I find myself discussing different subjects with myself and ending up with no solution.
In the middle of this loneliness(R)'s story was one of those many things flashed into my mind.
I never met the guy, it was just a short story told to me by a relative when I asked about his mooning mother who keeps talking about sorting problems with his x-wife's family and the divorce details.
He hadn't been married for a long while when he got divorce, so;
"Why did they get divorced?" was my question.
(Because when he got married he realized that the lady was not…….) was the clear informative answer, and I could easily fill the blank.

Here is another crucial subject, another interesting matter in our pretty unfair societies, a subject which is probably a red zone or a taboo; it could be even beyond that, as arguing about it might raise many question marks.
It's the best example to prove how blood seeking people we can be, it's a clear evident that women are so oppressed and misjudged in our societies, it shows clearly that how a human being is not more than an object belongs to someone and for that one only

I'm talking about the first night, about what all the grooms(and probably their families are expecting) it's the HYMEN, that small membrane in the front of the genital area of every virgin, what everyman got to make sure that it's intact and not been touched before.
And in case it's not there, you'll be duty bound killing her, beating or at least sending her to her family filled with shame to arrange for her funeral.

To give further explanation for those who don't speak Arabic; in our countries and many other countries, women are supposed to stay virgin until they get married, they can only prove this by making sure that their hymen are intact, otherwise they'll be a shame and disgust.

I'm not here encouraging people to have sex without marriage as this is against my social and religious morals, and I'm not here trying to say that other societies are better than us.
I'm just trying to ask questions and discuss beliefs which we've been brought up to hold, without being able to discuss.

My starting point will be that no man is being asked or judged whether he had sex before or not!!
In Islam; both men and women are not allowed to have sex other than being married. They both get exactly the same punishment in case they were witnessed by four or more people
The only funny thing is what called Muta'a marriage (temporary marriage) which is only allowed for non virgin women!!!

Obviously; it's not only in our societies, as I've been told about what they call (handkerchief test) in some places in Spain.
All what they expect are few drops of blood!!

We've got to highlight that there are situations when the membrane get ruptured without having sex like riding bicycles, doing heavy exercise and masturbation.

This matter is really complicated when we take it from two different corners, the first one is how we were brought up, we never thought why should we accept this? We all have this hidden inside us, we don't try to control this madness or correct it, we simply tranfere it from one generation to another, no matter how educated or civilized we are; it's a matter of honor, pride and dignity.

The other one, which everybody ignores, is,: how the girl will be feeling? How stressful, embarrassing and insulting that will be for her.
Could anyone imagine a lady in this situation? How she would be thinking, what would happen if the guy misjudged the situation and accused her?
Have we ever paid attention to this? We're simply not ready to think about it.
Unfortunatelly; we rarely see someone shows sympathy for a girl who is not virgin.
I'm here simply asking; why should we accept this? Why should we let it go one? And is there any hope that it changes?

In this cold weather, while I'm freezing, I sat down in my bed, thinking about this more and more.
Questions started to raise; I just imagined myself became in love with a girl, went forward loving her, and felt really that I want her, got really convinced that she would be the one I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with her, everything is wonderful, and then she came up with confession, sitting in front of me telling me that she is no virgin.
How should I reply?
I'm against this stupidity
If someone is good, he/she is good
We all commit sins
Good ones are the ones who try to correct their mistakes
Honest people are the ones we should respect and admire
It would be much easier for her to lie and undergo an operation
I kept concentrating…

It's like a conflict inside myself

.I really don't know

Thanks God I never been in this test


neurotic_wife said...

Thats a very interesting subject. If I was a man, I would definitely be disappointed if I find the woman I fell in love with, was not honest with me, and didnt tell me, until I find out myself on that night. I know it happened to someone I used to work with in London. Infact, both the man and woman were working with me. I never liked the girl, she was imla3ibba if you know what I mean. So I was shocked that the guy actually asked her for marriage.

Thing is, I blame him, cuz he fell for her in 2 days!!!He asked for her hand from her parents, and they had the mahar the next day. He took her to some hotel outside london for their honeymoon. Next day we heard the gossip, she wasnt a virgin. He filed for divorce...Funny thing is, the girl didnt want to give back the jewels etc, plus she asked for the muakhar!!! LOL...Oh well.

But as a woman, I dunno. I think honesty and communication plays a major part. If the couple love each other and forgive one another for things theyve done before they met each other, then bygones should be bygones. But thats just me. At the same time, a conflicting thought, although Im a muslim, alot of the problems married couples face is the fact they havent lived with each other to test the waters...But thats just me...Im not quite happy with that thought..What do YOU think?

A&Eiraqi said...

Dear Neurotic wife
Wow....someone commented!!
I thought no one would comment on this post in particular, as I know how quite sensitive it is.

I think the whole matter starts with how much we link this to honor and dignity.
I absolutely agree that honesty plays a great role.

About living together; I'm really not sure, I mean; definitly people need to know each other first, and try to explore how much they would cope.

On the other hand, many problems come later on.
It all depends on how much we change and how much we're capable to cope with the changes happen to the others

Thanks for visiting my blog

By the way; of course I know what mla3eba means, where do you think I'm coming from?

Marshmallow26 said...

Hello Dear, is your life but if I were in your shoes I would follow my mind not heart...since she is not a virgin and had done it before, how do you guarantee her she would not do it twice and three times after you both get married...

Think about it

A&Eiraqi said...


I'm not in that relationship or in anyone at all.
I was just discussing a matter.
Yet, your reply sounds typical Iraqi, which I would hear from a freind, sister, neighbour or any one I would discuss this matter with them.

The question is: why do you think that way?

Stay well

Shams said...

Funny, I found your blog in Abbass' and I previously wrote something regarding the retarded subject of virginity.

I am honestly disappointed with the replies, I find Iraqis to be quite cold, and the double standards are just reeking.

So what if she was not a virgin, she does not have to tell him, its her past life, she made a commitment and that is it, and what is up with guys, why is there no fuss regarding their "shameful" acts tooo?

I personally reached a stage if a guy has not kissed a girl before, I would find that as a turn off. It might not be an indication of his birood al jinsi, but such person I find is "7u8na" and lacks interpersonal skills, especially if that person is OLD!

Such opposite extreme is a turn off just as extreme playerism by guys!

We are human beings, we need to be natural, we do not only communication verbally but also physically.

And such extremism in act I find the epitome retardation in the Arab world......

These guys have no right of divorcing bcz of such stupid issue!