Monday, 14 December 2009

The Shock

Everything was ok, I was tired after four months of hard working, but it was all right.
Yes, I failed my exam twice but, still had the chance to sit it again.
It was otherwise ok, I had missed them a lot, was keen to see them, I thought it would be a great fun.
And the more fascinating; I was going to celebrate Eid with them for the first time in six years.
Not had the chance………
As soon as I arrived, not a day after, not had the chance to see my dad yet, not had the chance to change my heavy clothes despite the very warm weather.
She told me that she had an appointment with her gynecologist; I thought it would be better if I go with her and see what was going on.
Just to be aware of what was happening and see what to advise her, we were pretty sure there was nothing wrong, as she was reassured before.
They were either wrong or liars.
I sat down in the waiting room of the (no men her please) clinic, I was tired and she found me a sleep :(oh, my poor son, you shouldn’t have come with me, I begged you not to do); that what she said while I was opening my eyes (well; doctor is happy for you to join us ).

I went in; sat down quiet; waiting to see what the doctor would say.
-(All right; we’ve admitted you before and did few tests, seems there are few abnormal cells and we probably need to admit you again for further tests and possibly surgery).
-I stopped her at this stage asking what she meant by (abnormal cells)!!
-(Are you a doctor)? She replied
-Yes, I am and I’m her son.
-Well; have you not read the report? She was handing it to me.
- No one has shown us anything…I replied while looking at the small piece of paper with couple of lines printed on.
I still wish that I didn’t look; I’m still hoping that it’s a bad dream and I’m going to wake up.
I know it’s not, it’s a fact….my mother has got cancer
Like a little flame inside my chest
As it’s inside my body nit hers
I get short of breath every time I remember
The word is following me wherever I go; whenever I open my eyes and stopps me every time I try to smile.
It’s a horrible feeling I never had before; like a constant pain.
It’s my mum.
I keep looking at her when she is a sleep, when she is busy.
All the nights she spent not sleeping, just to wake everyone of us on certain time to study.
All these years, she spent doing her best to let us pass out exams and get our qualifications.
Every single attempt she made to let us cheer up
That wonderful smile, which never leaves her face.
Am I going to miss all that; am I going to lose her??????
Don’t tell that I need to calm down or to be less worried
I’m dying 100s of times everyday
I don’t know why I get short of breath everytime I think about it.
It's the first time I see my father unable to control his tears.

Now; she is with me, will I be able to take her back as she was.

I don’t know what to do

Allah kereem